I’m Guilty of Sucking in My Tummy

I’m Guilty of Sucking in My Tummy

I’ll be vulnerable for a moment…

There are still days when I can’t stand living in my body. It puts on more weight when I think I’m eating light, the weight fluctuates, and then I scroll past the many Instagram thots to place my bitterness and envy towards.

But you’ve heard this story before. Fat girl goes online, compares herself to others, hates herself and only then does she become determined to lose weight (insert aggressive weight loss montage here). Well, that’s not me. I’m far too lazy and unmotivated to do workout, so I walk everywhere instead (I also have no driver’s license or car, so there’s that) or I suck in my stomach until I can’t breathe.

I didn’t always make myself suffer to suck it in

At first, it was a way to make me look a little thinner whenever photographed from a side angle. However, it started becoming a natural tick or action I would perform because I thought if I’d at least had a flat tummy to accompany the rest of my curves, I’d be more desirable.

I’d be my most self aware to hold in my belly whenever I was in the presence of some seriously beautiful thin people. The first (and last) time I attended a restaurant, I thought I looked so incredibly fab until Barbie and her army walked in, stealing the attention of every Abercrombie-type guy in sight.

It’s really sad that skinny people can affect me so much to the point where I’ll hold in my stomach for attention (which sounds completely mental, I knoooooww), but it’s an uphill battle learning self-love without seeking out male attention to solidify my attractiveness like every other babe on the block.

To be fair, I hate this habit

It’s a bad habit for any self-proclaimed body positive to make known, but I’m here to be honest about my fat girl world,  not to fit the mold of what a body posi activist should do and be. I don’t ever encourage anyone to change, reshape or mar their bodies unless they do so willingly, I’m just in a place where I don’t always think I’m good enough, but then again who does?

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